The Human Ranks

#1, This Week and Forever, Mr. 2dudes.

   

It all started just one week ago as an amusing blog idea between two friends perched in their comfortable lives on opposite coasts of the United States to mostly amuse one another in fits of boredom. We used a friend as the mean standard by which all the souls of this Earth would be judged, an honor in itself. When this initial post was proudly displayed on our respective gmail and facebook statuses we assumed, and rightfully so, that everyone would understand that the blog did indeed rise from the doldrums of our minds’ eyes.

HOWEVER, one man, one legendary fucking man, took a less conventional route - a route which he should have known better than to take - and for some reason, in his infinite wisdom, assumed that this blog was, in fact, a random act perpetrated by strangers; assumed that it could have been created by someone other than a handful of close friends; assumed it could have been created by a specter of the world wide web, a ghost dipping and dodging through the alleyways and shadows of the interwebs.

After a series of intimate gchat conversations and even a conference call over the weekend, it dawned on us what a rare - truly once in a lifetime - opportunity had been set at our feet.

Geoffrey:  wow
wtfthey mustve gotten into one of our facebooks
Andrew:  i dont understand how htis site works
is it a virus? 

andrewep22:  let me go through my thinking with you
Lenny Pruss:  let’s hear it
andrewep22:  on the one hand..i think this is either you, groth, or jaffe.. if it isnt any of you fools, then im just hella curious

andrewep22:  dude i dont think this is one of our friends
Lenny Pruss:  dude, it has to be
if its not its just too bizarre
andrewep22:  all i know is 80k people think im a wuss
and 80k people think wags is worse than hitler

And just like that, one humorous blog post turned into a delicious unintentional prank - a prank who’s lure was too powerful to overcome and thus we had no choice but to submit to temptation.

From Friday to Friday, with the dawning of each new day, a meticulous game plan arose, and our diabolical “genius” (your words not ours) combined with your stunning naivety churned out some brilliant wrinkles: the fake hits counter (holy cow, we’re almost at 100K site visits!), the use of moles (tush karp, amanda ehrman) and our own denial of knowledge or involvement. All of this led to you suceeding in taking down our original post but only throwing flames on the fire of this ruse which led to the point of a near mental breakdown.

We apologize for the stress this may have caused you Mr. 2dudes, old friend, but in fact we could not have helped ourselves.

So with that, Mr. 2 dudes, Andy, brother, we want to congratulate you on being named the #1 person and friend in the world this week, an honor we give to you for providing us, your friends, with joy and laughter we thought only existed in some nebulous fantasy world.

Cheers!

#6,775,235,741

Readers of the Ranks, you’re probably sick and tired of seeing this visage on our beloved (and now viral – almost 100K visits in 1 week whoohooo!!!) blog and must be wondering how any individual can topple from the #3,387,617,872 rank to the very bottom in a mere 24 hours and not be guilty of killing Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

Well, we at the ranks called a mandatory staff meeting that started last night and just ended this afternoon and we have decided that Mr. 2dudes’ current rank did not accurately reflect the truly pitiable act he committed when he tried to underhandedly shut down this publication.

Kill one man and the rest of us all shall persevere, but try and kill our freedom of expression and you have another thing coming. We will rain blows upon you until you keel over in submission, and that, Mr. 2dudes, is exactly what we intend to do to you.

Mr. 2dudes, you can expect your mug to appear on this ranking for as long as the Ranks is in business (and by god, I promise that will be for a long long time – at least for another month). And believe us, if you try and succeed in shutting us down again, 3 more blogs will pop up the next day and then another 3 and then another and another until both you and Google succumb to our online reign.

Until 2dudes issues a formal apology and accepts responsibility not only for attempting to stymie our creativity, but also posing a direct affront to the world’s civil liberties, he will remain the #6,775,228,741 person on earth and his countenance, as unpleasant as it may be, shall be displayed for all of humanity to see and shun.

For shame, Mr. 2dudes – it didn’t have to be like this…

#2 and #6,775,238,740

New York City’s subway system is privy to some of the world’s most attractive, most disgusting, rich, dirt poor and overall best and worst people around. So imagine how lucky we felt when we discovered this video and found not only our 2nd worst person in the world for this week but also our 2nd best.

#2 - Mr. Bloody Loko:

We have an affinity here at the Ranks for telling it like it is. And well, Mr. Loko sir, can I call you Mr. Loko? You sir, sure do tell this wuss across from you to “recognize that shit A-SAP” and “remember this fucking name” to the point where he cannot do anything but sit there, pretend to read his book and agree with the righteousness you spit. Mr. Loko, sir, we salute you for both your brutal honesty and your sensibility to stand up for what you believe. We here at the Ranks can only hope we put joy in your heart, rather then “fucking fear” in naming you the 2nd best person in the entire world this week.  

#6,775,238,740 - Pretentious Baby Blue Sweater’d Old Spice Man Wannabe:

What the fuck do you have to say for yourself, huh? Your blatant disrespect for Mr. Loko is overwhelmingly disturbing to watch. You sit there and (pretend to) read your book, thumbing your nose at anyone sitting by you just because they happen to be near your realm of superiority. Mr. Loko was calmly trying to introduce himself with the hope that you would recognize him and remember his name should you have further contact in the near or distant future. We will apologize on behalf of the city of New York for their lack of private carriages on public subways, what we will not apologize for, however, is you being the 2nd worst person in the world this week. 

#3,387,617,871 Redux

Today, the Human Ranks received a call to arms unlike ever seen in the throws of history.

The individual who so famously debuted on this blog on March 17th (and again is pictured above) as the most mediocre (#3,387,617,871) person on the face of the earth confirmed what we had suspected when he threatened us with copyright infringement and had our original post taken down in a truly submissive, middling act.

With a little research, we have been able to confirm the identity of this individual as 2dudes1blog. Mr. 2dudes, by virtue of his actions, clearly thought our ranking was much too generous, and thus has forced our hand in a re-rank - unprecedented on this site.

An average person would have been satisfied by placing in the juicy middle of earth’s creatures, but only a narcissistic dolt would have requested that content be taken down. Mr. 2dudes, you leave us with little choice but to lower your rank to #3,387,617,872 - an ignominious claim.

There may be 2 dudes attributed to your blog - whatever that may be - but now we know that one of those dudes is a huge wuss. 

To this, we salute you #3,387,617,872.

#3

Muammar Qaddafi: Maniacal despot. Hegemonic tyrant. Champion of women’s liberation.

We are here to salute Mr. Qaddafi as the #3 Best Person on Earth this week for his contribution to the global Woman’s Rights Movement. Whereas most global leaders and heads of state roll in posses of all male bodyguard troops, Muammar, aka Elizabeth Qaddafi Stanton, is flanked by 40 lipsticked, bejeweled bodyguards dawning designer sunglasses and high heels with their military camouflage. Don’t be fooled, however, as these ladies are trained killers - graduates of an elite military academy in Tripoli that’s solely for women.  

Qaddafi is shattering those glass ceilings that once held that “women aren’t as strong as men” by employing virginal women in high heels, whose purity and infinite sexuality is only equaled by their homicidal prowess and blood lust. 

“Without the leader, women in Libya would be nothing. He gave us life. I am ready to die for him. He is a father, a brother and a friend to whom you can confide. You have no idea how humble he is.”

-Fatia, 27-year-old bodyguard trainee from Tripoli

All we we hope, Mr. Qaddafi, is that you are humbled by being named the 3rd best person in the world this week.

Mazel Tov!

#6,775,235,739 

The tale of Richard Leon Barton Jr., age 34 of Grand Rapids Michigan reads like a modern recounting of Icarus. It is a fable of romance, daring and hubris and one that will be retold through ages as a cautionary tale of a man who had it all until one day a fatal oversight melted his wings and brought him crashing back down to earth.

Police in Michigan say they were able to arrest this jerk, an alleged polygamist, after he “defriended” his first wife on Facebook who then went to authorities after she realized her husband had married another woman in July.

Mr. Barton Jr., we hold no grudge against you for what you do with your personal life - nevermind that you are a bigoted polygamist. But your utter irreverence and disregard for established online networking etiquette is truly shameful. Bonds forged in status updates and wall posts are sacred, and we, at the Human Ranks, will be damned if you we let you walk all over those cherished principals.

For setting Michigan back another 10 years, you, Mr. Barton Jr. are this week’s 3rd worst person on the planet. Shame on you.  

#6,775,235,738

It’s been tough sledding for airlines in the last decade as most have been squeezed by rising fuel costs and fierce price wars.

Rob Fyfe, CEO of Air New Zealand, apprarently couldn’t give a shit. His solution? Spending his investors’ dime on obscene commercials, featuring a lewd puppet making (terrible) shameless jokes. He even got renowned androgynous recording artist Snoop Dogg to make a cameo (see below).

Hey, Fyfe, why don’t you focus on keeping your planes in the air, you precocious fool. We don’t think you could pay us enough to board one of these jumbo jets. 

Congrats, buddy, your complete incompetence as CEO of a major airline lands as you the 4th worst person in the world this week.

#6,775,235,737

Congratulations bro! You have been selected as the fifth worst person in the world this week.

Our friend here, with whom we had the great pleasure of sharing a year in the dorms, was found outside of the Mynt Lounge of Miami this weekend urinating on a cop car with said cop still in the car…justice was violently served. We were glad to see an old friend is doing well navigating the post-collegiate experience.

You are the the Human Ranks’ #5 worst person on the planet this week, cherish it.

Lucky for us, these 5 people are either fictional or dead…

5. Dos Equis Guy - If you’re so goddamn interesting why in the hell are you drinking a second rate beer?

4. The bastard responsible for letting out all the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park 

3. Adolf Hitler

2. Flo the Progressive Insurance Saleswoman - Someone please run her over with your Progressive-insured car. Please?

1. Disgusting College Guy - This person is still very much alive and real, but this particular version of this person is thankfully dead, moving on…

Welcome

The World Bank currently estimates that there are 6,775,235,741 people living on the planet - that’s a lot of junk to sort through and we’re here to help.

At The Human Ranks, however, we are of the belief that the quality of people on the planet follows a normal curve distribution, and as such we will be focusing on the extremes at the edges and unveiling the 5 best and worst people of the week.

This IS your uncompromising guide to the best and, most importantly, worst people on the planet.

Cheers